I want Blasphemous baaaad!
Blasphemous went onto my Steam Wishlist in the summer, the moment I laid eyes on that twisted teaser trailer. With sicko-pixel art style, gory and edgy theme, and readers should know that I’m an absolute sucker for the Metroidvania genre.
And Blasphemous looks very well done. Very polished, very slick and very, very weird.
But even with its modest price tag (currently $22.49 on a Nintendo Switch promo, and a measley $17.99 at the Humble Store!), I cannot buy it. I’m broke. They don’t call me the Ghetto Gamer for nothin’. But that can’t stop me from dissecting the new launch trailer that just hit today on Nintendo’s YouTube channel.
Let’s pick it apart!
Right off the bat…
So far, we’re off to a great start. What modern gamer doesn’t love violence, blood, gore, and nudity?
At the risk of aging myself, I’ve got to take a moment to acknowledge how far Nintendo has come from the days when they refused to show blood in their Mortal Kombat port. And they made Id Software turn dogs into rats and take out the blood. It’s like Nintendo has finally realized that grown-ups play video games, too.
Check out that hat.
A few observations here. First of all, what’s up with that hat? He looks like either a dunce or a Klansman (I’m not a fansman.) My hope is that he is not blaspheming in a way of being a violent racist? Surely not. He also kind of reminds me of Pyramid Head, too. And he was waaay blasphemous, so maybe that’s what they’re going for. But seriously, can you imagine getting into some hardcore platforming in a hat like that? It’s just not sensible.
Here we also see some of the environment. I’m guessing this is in the very beginning of the game, analogous to Super Metroid, when Samus first lands her ship on the planet’s surface. Looks like Conehead is on his way to the castle where most of the game will take place.
I’m a big fan of the ambiance they’ve created here, hat-shapes notwithstanding. The color palette is perfectly melancholy. The desolate landscape, littered with bones is pretty striking. No sign of life. No birds. No cactus. Not even a tumblin’ tumbleweed. Just Conehead, running toward… something.
The platforming looks punishing and I want in!
The trailer shows plenty of moving platforms, spikes, and moving traps. And the Steam Store page tags Blasphemous as “Souls-like.” So I’m guessing those traps will kill you. A lot. But I’m totally into it.
Who’s the boss?
The trailer teases several bosses. At least, I assume these giants are bosses. Pretty sure.
The naked lion-head boss looks pretty mean. And there’s your nudity. He should at least wear a cup so he doesn’t get axed in the peen. But whatever.
Lots of blood. Lots of gore.
So yeah, Nintendo once refused to allow blood in Mortal Kombat. Clearly, they’ve learned their lesson.
So here’s a giant bleeding baby tearing Conehead’s limbs off. And–I can’t stress this enough–Nintendo once refused to allow blood in Mortal Kombat. Okay, I’ll stop bringing it up. But seriously. This is twisted.
So yeah. Blasphemous looks frickin’ disgusting. It’s nasty, offensive, sacrilegious, and I want it terribly! Someone spot me a few bucks so I can get it on Steam.